Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give All people a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the Trump Tower Damascus alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really stop applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from space, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."

A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."